you can't run, you can't hide

Last night a group of 120 students from youth groups gathered, from different youth groups and churches in the area, in a public school cafeteria to UNITE. It’s their God, and their generation. What a cool concept! There were a few songs of worship, a 25 minute talk, and a few more songs of worship. I was only there because some of my students were attending and my friend was playing in the band and one of the main coordinators of the event.

As the speaker got up I glanced around at the informality of the setting. He began, I wasn’t impressed, but I tuned out when I felt this calling in my heart ‘you can do this.’ Small enough crowd that it wouldn’t be intimidating, not all Northridge people so they might not be expecting much, and the Northridge people that were there would be completely supportive. God if you want me to do this, provide a way. I’m ready.

grande 'no fun' mocha

Funny how You captivate me
My thoughts, my time, my soul
Spent trying to know You
trying, unsuccessfully, to figure You out

before I fall asleep at night we meet up
the eternal starbucks
sharing a cup of coffee…or 2 or 3
I vent, You listen.
I question, You listen.
I dissect every single part of my day
And still, You listen.

Do you ever tire?
Your truth says no
You meet me where I’m at
On this journey or redemption

in a room of 500, i stand alone

'you need to get married, so you can become tough and you don't care who you offend'.....translation.....'you need to get married, because this is a socially lonely vocation, and you need to have 1 person you can count on'

insight from my boss, who's been in ministry for 15 years. ...my translation to what he's saying.

i feel like he's telling me i can't trust anyone. that all of my friends are self serving, which is true b/c we all are, but that's there's no potential for any of them and they're a hindrance to my work. that they lack maturity, responsibility, depth, leadership, commitment...apparently all these things he sees in me.....sometimes i think he's remembering the wrong person from high school. i know all of these 'talks' we have are intended as compliments, that i'm doing a great job, and things wouldn't run this way without me....but i feel alone and empty when i walk out of his office. drained.

yes, i am filled to the brim with Christ...but God gave us other people for community, right?? for fun and fellowship and relationships.


lonely.

hurt

Grace.

I know I need it. I know I have it. it’s hard to accept sometimes.
Spiritual warfare is so strong. Even now…typing this, I can feel it.

Shame, guilt, embarrassment, loss of value…these feelings are my companions, weights on my back. trying to remind myself we’re all saved by grace alone, He can use all things for good, God’s grace is ENOUGH.

To know that and to accept that in your heart are 2 very different things.

people in general think it’s easy to get over, b/c you’re a new creation in Christ, so you’re just washed clean now, like a potion. it’s not like that...everyday, it's hard, at times like this unbearable.

i fall to my knees at the mercy of my God who paid the price for me.

is it pride that holds me back, from the accepctance of grace? a grace and forgivness that is SO undeserving? maybe it's just that in real life i've never experienced forgivness such as the kind God gives, so it's too hard to fathom.

We all fall. All sin is equal in God’s eyes…but all sin does not have the same effects here on earth. Guilt, shame, loss of value are not ramifications of a speeding ticket, or a lie.


He promises to use everything for His good.

the place that you have come to fear the most

Unlock.
Press play.
Shift gears.
We’re off.
This front seat has become a confessional
Hopes, dreams, disappointments,
Rewriting the future with each passing day
Has my story started?

beautiful sunday. wish i was driving back to mt. p...not b/c i want to be there...but a 2 hour drive is exactly what the doctor ordered.

tomorrow is back to reality...a mindless job that does not echo the longings of my heart....alright not completley true, there's coffee involved....and it will be exciting to work with non-christians and shed some light.


burried deep as you can dig inside yourself
covered in a with a perfect shell
the television steals the conversation
always assuming the worst
i don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible
hitting the pavement
gotta be better than waiting

being happy with unhappiness

There are 80 million things swirling around my head now…and the strangest feeling settling over me. a peaceful discontent. I’m not thrilled about some things in my life, but I am at peace with this feeling of uneasiness.
Discontent is a restless desire, a craving for something we don’t have.
A weekend at the track can make me forget who I am, and long to return to the thrill and excitement of burning lungs, aching legs that cramp from knots after wearing spikes, smells of icy hot, tastes of Gatorade and granola, the crowd ignites after the bang of a gun, the raw intensity of competition, pushing your body to a new limit you didn’t know existed and then going beyond that.
The part of me that has shut down, that I’ve surrendered to God, is clawing its way out. and the conscious side of me asks WHY WHY WHY…you don’t want to be told your injuries are because you’ve gained weight, you don’t need to be cut down to a mere purchase, your life does not need to revolve around the approval of a middle age woman and 20 cutthroat girls who claim they want the best for you. God reassures ‘you’re worth MORE, I can use you for GREATNESS’ but temptations waters are deep and swift and the thoughts are hard to kick. The discontent I have is blanketed by peace.

I question why things are happening (or not happening) who am I to question to plans of the Almighty.

Relationships are yours God, be glorified.
I fear heartache looms before me either way.