asics 2110

trees line this old dirt road
these shoes have covered the gravel
mile after mile after mile

i am broken.
inadequate.
lonely.
insecure.
terrified.

alone, in a crowd
full of people
who say they love me

i am shutting down.

this road holds my dreams
carrying the teardrops of my past
the worries of my present
and the secrets of my future


i can't wait to find you.

i know you have the key
to this secret garden of my heart
that's been locked up, hidden away
things i hold so tight
grasping with white knuckles
i'd rather crush them
than to let the world see

He is preparing you
because this heart locked
many have knocked on the gate
but the cold rod iron
dripping with icy rain drops
leaves them hopeless as they turn away.

i know you'll persevere
we've both learned the hard way
failure.
is.
never.
final.

that still takes convincing.

i am waiting...

broken cisterns

hey, can we talk?
drip, drip, drip



hey, can you meet me?
pull, pull, pull,



hey, can you? hey, will you?
I NEED I NEED I NEED

drip, pull, rip, tear, splash, flood...
gone



empty, dry, tired, dead.
gone gone gone gone



pick.
up.
1 .
piece.
and then....
rip, dribble, tear, steal, pour, rush, flood, gush...drown.

can't even recharge.
everyone needs, needs, needs
tuck my head
take the water of countless tears
and
drip, drip, pour, pour.


how am i still here?
You are my fresh spring.
fill me, my God.

hide and go seek

who is here, in this reflection?
eyes sunken in so deep
a story, that just can't be cracked
you're lost, my dear

those eyes, they are so tired
here, cover up.
this is a masquerade.
you're lost, my dear.

the music's getting faster
can't keep up this pace
lonliness runs too deep
you're lost, my dear.

shattered
spilt arcoss this mess
pick me up
make me Yours

i am found

the first brick laid in an 8 year fortress of protection.

where the heck does life go?? how does it happen?? i don't understand how people that i've grown up with are now pregnant, married, have kids??? we talked about our dreams, our husbands, our hopes, careers, futures...every fight with parents, hurtful gossip about other friends, lying through our teeth about talents or looks.....naive and selfish junior highers who now, 8 years later, are all on completely different planets.
it's a painful loss. a loss that is irreversible. was this this first scar? there were originally 4 of us, for a while 7...but really just us 2. how did it happen?? where are you? was this the first scar? leading to the many others, the deeper ones?? where were you when the blows to my heart were full force? where was i when you were falling? how were we so blind and selfish?
could we fit now?? it seems we've taken 2 different roads, speeding, full fore, in worlds that will never collide....but deep down i wish they would. i know you're empty. was this the first scar?
the scar that led to walls, a fortress of protection, fueled by fear. how i long for freedom, and i know you feel the same. i want to show you someone to cling to, i want to show you Him.
by no means is this eloquent...i know you wouldn't care, and you'd probably laugh at the attempt. you always went along, let me lead, but encouraged....i don't find that much, anymore. i think i'm scared of failing. was i there for you? i can be now....was this the first scar???
why did you let me fly blind into a thunderstorm??? how could i ever blame you? i don't, you know, blame you. i know you didn't get it, how could i exepct you to? i dove in full force, i was committed before you even had a chance to see the red flags. maybe this is all my fault. i think about picking up the phone from time to time....but we were always pridefull, to a point of self damage.....this is just rambling now. you tried to get it, even if you resented the races, and all of it. but things are differnet now. i recall the times that we had, haning on my wall.
i miss you, and i think we could re connect, if this world was just us. but you have them and i have Him, and right now those worlds will not collide.

he could go all the way

best stinking time in sports.

bball playoffs
stanley cup finals
baseball starting up

LOVE IT

Your love it strong

i'm so thankful for The Bible, for God's word to be right at my fingertips.

when the world is against me...He is there.

when the people closest to me are unknowingly hurtful....He's there.

when everyone thinks i can't, or doesn't believe...HE IS THE ENCOURAGER, the listener.





So I arrive
At the conclusion
Love isn't made
Love doesn't sell or pay
But we buy
And sell our love away
Don't let the pain
Bring you down

bounce back

i hate it when people..adults primarily, i suppose...say kids are 'resilient'. especially when it to a huge things like divorce..its like an excuse adults use to make themselves feel better about their own selfish decisions.

what does resilient mean anyway?? that they endure?

sunrise with the Creator

i love the morning. i mean early mornings..like summer early.. before the sun comes up. i feel like its a special time that only God and i are sharing. its a fresh start, no damage has been done, i can take on anything bc God is so close. nothing is being rushed or set aside it's just me and God on the open road.

trying to come back to earth

last couple days have been a blurr. got my wisdom teeth out, and lets just say focusing has not been the easiest thing for me to do...and vicodin, wow, that's a completely different story. it's been fun to relax, but strange b/c i feel VERY out of it when i try to concentrate on something.

anyway, trying to get back on track.

right now i'm reading 'hurt' but chap clark. it's supposed to be a glimpse into today teenagers world. the target age of his research is high school but the facts apply to 'adolescence' which now some experts say can range to age 26...so in a creepy way i'm reading about myself. and what is even stranger is the accuracy, and the 'hurt' that i didn't know i felt. i hope this can give me better insight on how to relate to students as well as my peers..and even ways that i can do some cleaning up of my own emotions. anyway i'm about 50 pages in and i have 2 more books on order for later this week :) :) soo excited!

beauty & the beast

the fear of settling or the fear of a failed adventure...which is worse?

the idea of being trapped inside these walls...the streets that hold my childhood, adolescence, and young adult hood...will they hold the rest of my life?

all of the dreams, plans, excitement will be tucked away in notebooks, and the conversations of adventure and changing the world will fade into the walls of coffee shops.

choosing what is safe, what is predictable, what is comfortable...over answering His call, and following rather than just believing.


Following is hard. being radical is hard. it's scary. it's uncertain.

God, as much as i am terrified by the uncertainity of this adventure you're placing ahead of me right now, i know that i'm not wired to settle...(even if i wish i was sometimes) God, i'm scared. scared of what will happen, scared to look foolish, scared of where i'll end up, scared to fail...but i have many great reasons to trust, and zero reasons not to trust. I pray for Your companionship along this journey, for You to fill me with confidence, that You will make my paths straight, God. Fill me with excitement, and overwhelm me with joy, Lord. You've given me an inch and i'm ready to follow you for a mile. Let's do it!




"i want adventure in the great wide somewhere, i want it more than i can tell. and for once it might be grand, to have someone understand. I want so much more than they've got planned."
-Belle

fan into flame

life is happening fast!! kinda scary!

anyway, really fired up about Mark Batterson's talk from 4/20 called fan into flame.

i've really been picking through the books of Timothy, even prior to hearing his talk, and it's just really speaking to my heart right now.

wish i had time to elaborate.....

to much to say pt

pt ptptptwow what a week it has been...and d its only thursday!!!!
i dont think i've ever been more convicted of the hurt that this generation feels. the years 14 to 24 seem to be filled with confusion and uncertainties...and hurt. our world is selfish, even if it doesn't want to be.

anyway....new beginnings, opportunities. exciting! relationships well there's potential but the lack of certanity scares me...hmm a theme in my life?? and i see a possible job opportunity, but i'm scared to jump on it..i dont want to be laughed at...i guess im waiting for God to make it happen..to work thru someone else..promt them to say something to take the leap, approachc me ...i dont know..but God is good and He can make aything happen....even if it means dealing with me timid spirit pt

everyone but me

its easy as Christians to tell others that God loves them, or God has a plan for them...but do we believe that God has a plan for US?? That He loves US?? for some reason thats hard for us to fathom, i know it is for me, especially looking at my friends lives....
so why is this? why is it everyone but us?? we can be spirtual leaders to others and still feel like we're the acception to God's perfect love, freeing grace, and His exciting and adventurous plan.

i saw the light

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

John 3:20-21

this was really convicting for me. not that i'm hiding out inside of some huge sin...but more that i'm a private person by nature. i like to keep my stuff to myself, whatever is going on in my head, what i'm struggling with, my hurts, fears...i just feel more comfortable keeping it inside and not sharing it with others, even those close to me. but i think that sometimes that can be a foothold for Satan. even if i'm not intentionally 'hiding' something, my sense of safety within privacy is essentially a 'darkness', b/c i'm not allowing other Christ followers into my life...not allowing God to speak through them into my heart. and it brings me to question, what am i so afraid to let out? what am i so afraid to let others see, to let them in??

of course there's a fine line here of overflowing everythign on to everyone you know....but
yeah, not even close to being there yet.....

against the ropes

it's strange...sad...confusing... and inspiring in a way (that i need to pour into people more, test the more, and continually grow...) but anyway my point is that when some Christ followers find themselves in a hard situation, they think it's something THEY need to handle. i'm not talking hard like, well i just really need that new phone or whatever..(bad example..) BLAHH...i mean big stuff. health issues, financial issues, marital struggles, extended family arguments. i guess situations that have no simple answer, no easy resolution. i know i'm being vague but i guess it's in my effort to not reveal my personal circumstances......................ok so back to the point which is WHEN these types of situations arise, all of a sudden these people who you thought were God trusting, explode into swearing ranting fireballs who destroy everyone in their path...b/c they're carrying this burden on THEIR OWN SHOULDERS........and as the observer in this situation, how do we try to bring them back to a reliance on God, in the midst of their explosion....i've found it's the last thing they want to hear (maybe b/c deep down somewhere they know i'm right?????)



what do you do when you find out that all they were doing is wearing a mask that got knocked off when they were thrown against the ropes??

you can't run, you can't hide

Last night a group of 120 students from youth groups gathered, from different youth groups and churches in the area, in a public school cafeteria to UNITE. It’s their God, and their generation. What a cool concept! There were a few songs of worship, a 25 minute talk, and a few more songs of worship. I was only there because some of my students were attending and my friend was playing in the band and one of the main coordinators of the event.

As the speaker got up I glanced around at the informality of the setting. He began, I wasn’t impressed, but I tuned out when I felt this calling in my heart ‘you can do this.’ Small enough crowd that it wouldn’t be intimidating, not all Northridge people so they might not be expecting much, and the Northridge people that were there would be completely supportive. God if you want me to do this, provide a way. I’m ready.

grande 'no fun' mocha

Funny how You captivate me
My thoughts, my time, my soul
Spent trying to know You
trying, unsuccessfully, to figure You out

before I fall asleep at night we meet up
the eternal starbucks
sharing a cup of coffee…or 2 or 3
I vent, You listen.
I question, You listen.
I dissect every single part of my day
And still, You listen.

Do you ever tire?
Your truth says no
You meet me where I’m at
On this journey or redemption

in a room of 500, i stand alone

'you need to get married, so you can become tough and you don't care who you offend'.....translation.....'you need to get married, because this is a socially lonely vocation, and you need to have 1 person you can count on'

insight from my boss, who's been in ministry for 15 years. ...my translation to what he's saying.

i feel like he's telling me i can't trust anyone. that all of my friends are self serving, which is true b/c we all are, but that's there's no potential for any of them and they're a hindrance to my work. that they lack maturity, responsibility, depth, leadership, commitment...apparently all these things he sees in me.....sometimes i think he's remembering the wrong person from high school. i know all of these 'talks' we have are intended as compliments, that i'm doing a great job, and things wouldn't run this way without me....but i feel alone and empty when i walk out of his office. drained.

yes, i am filled to the brim with Christ...but God gave us other people for community, right?? for fun and fellowship and relationships.


lonely.

hurt

Grace.

I know I need it. I know I have it. it’s hard to accept sometimes.
Spiritual warfare is so strong. Even now…typing this, I can feel it.

Shame, guilt, embarrassment, loss of value…these feelings are my companions, weights on my back. trying to remind myself we’re all saved by grace alone, He can use all things for good, God’s grace is ENOUGH.

To know that and to accept that in your heart are 2 very different things.

people in general think it’s easy to get over, b/c you’re a new creation in Christ, so you’re just washed clean now, like a potion. it’s not like that...everyday, it's hard, at times like this unbearable.

i fall to my knees at the mercy of my God who paid the price for me.

is it pride that holds me back, from the accepctance of grace? a grace and forgivness that is SO undeserving? maybe it's just that in real life i've never experienced forgivness such as the kind God gives, so it's too hard to fathom.

We all fall. All sin is equal in God’s eyes…but all sin does not have the same effects here on earth. Guilt, shame, loss of value are not ramifications of a speeding ticket, or a lie.


He promises to use everything for His good.

the place that you have come to fear the most

Unlock.
Press play.
Shift gears.
We’re off.
This front seat has become a confessional
Hopes, dreams, disappointments,
Rewriting the future with each passing day
Has my story started?

beautiful sunday. wish i was driving back to mt. p...not b/c i want to be there...but a 2 hour drive is exactly what the doctor ordered.

tomorrow is back to reality...a mindless job that does not echo the longings of my heart....alright not completley true, there's coffee involved....and it will be exciting to work with non-christians and shed some light.


burried deep as you can dig inside yourself
covered in a with a perfect shell
the television steals the conversation
always assuming the worst
i don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible
hitting the pavement
gotta be better than waiting

being happy with unhappiness

There are 80 million things swirling around my head now…and the strangest feeling settling over me. a peaceful discontent. I’m not thrilled about some things in my life, but I am at peace with this feeling of uneasiness.
Discontent is a restless desire, a craving for something we don’t have.
A weekend at the track can make me forget who I am, and long to return to the thrill and excitement of burning lungs, aching legs that cramp from knots after wearing spikes, smells of icy hot, tastes of Gatorade and granola, the crowd ignites after the bang of a gun, the raw intensity of competition, pushing your body to a new limit you didn’t know existed and then going beyond that.
The part of me that has shut down, that I’ve surrendered to God, is clawing its way out. and the conscious side of me asks WHY WHY WHY…you don’t want to be told your injuries are because you’ve gained weight, you don’t need to be cut down to a mere purchase, your life does not need to revolve around the approval of a middle age woman and 20 cutthroat girls who claim they want the best for you. God reassures ‘you’re worth MORE, I can use you for GREATNESS’ but temptations waters are deep and swift and the thoughts are hard to kick. The discontent I have is blanketed by peace.

I question why things are happening (or not happening) who am I to question to plans of the Almighty.

Relationships are yours God, be glorified.
I fear heartache looms before me either way.

blind spots

From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.
Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!"
Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men
Matthew 16:21-23

i'm pretty sure that Satan was not a friendly name in biblical times...i'm certain the meaning hasn't changed and Jesus wasn't actually trying to call Peter buddy, friend, homie...whatever...it meant the same thing!!! and it's not a warm fuzzy kind of name. and we can read these words with detached emotions, ok get behind me satan...yadda yadda no big deal. if my best friends called me SATAN i'd be CRUSHED, especially when i was trying to defend them. i think a lof of us have never been in a relationship that was so secure that we could call each other 'Satan'..or call eachother out in such a way.

I do not want to be a friend who only desires the comfort of my friends.

-we care more about not ROCKING the boat than who is actually IN the boat!-

On the surface, it sounds and feels better to make a troubled soul ‘feel’ better in moments of crisis and pain. it's easier too, to be encouraging and not have a awkward tension...but God’s truth is stronger than any human emotion…a deeper love looks past the moment and deals with the problem that is causing the negativity, even if it means pain and discomfort for a while.
Jesus is, of course, the epitome of this love in His relationships. Telling Peter that he is a hindrance to Him, recognizing Peter’s destructive thinking. Honestly, I’m sure I would have reacted the same way Peter did, ‘this could NEVER happen to you…I’ll protect you…I’ve got your back…” and I would have been extremely hurt by the cold response. but in actuality, Jesus responds in the most loving way possible. Jesus sees the whole picture, that He’s going to DIE for Peter so that he may live forever. Jesus is putting His comfort aside, and Peter's temporary comfort aside...because the eternal plan is in Peter's blind spot.

i pray that God will grant me the wisdom and courage to help friends navigate their blind spots, and also that my life would be filled with friends who would do the same.

1 new message

texting.
The technology that is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. i LOVE the instant communication. quick Q&A at any time, avoiding an awkward conversation, can be done...but texting leads to complete availability. Notice people never ask ‘did you read my text?’ it’s always ‘did you get my text?’. If you receive the text it’s assumed that you’ve read it….unlike email, or voicemail, or phone call.
i text a lot. So I am venting to myself here. my texting distracts me from the people who I’m actually with, the conversation that I’m having in person. And when I hear that ding, or feel that vibrate I always wonder who it’s from. Driving today I got a text from a friend, and it was extremely insightful and I felt God speaking through them…which lead me to wonder, what if I got a text from God.
the thing is cell phone or not, unlimited texting plan or not, we ALL have a text from God. anything He could want to say to us is right in His word!!!! I guess it frustrates me that so often we want to do the talking. We pray and pray and pray, and don’t get me wrong that’s great but I think God’s main way of speaking to us is through His word.
Let me go on a slight side track about how freaking amazing God’s word is. besides the astounding historical accuracy of the different authors, the prophecy, the encouragement, the hope, the unconditional love….from cover to cover God’s word is a story of redemption. God seeking out His people. we see what God values, what God loves, we discover how things work. AND it’s like a scrapbook. Giving personal accounts, letters, the imagery of what was happening AS well as the factual accounts. Exodus is exciting, like a story, Leviticus and numbers are the facts going on. In the New Testament Acts is the historical context, then we get the personal accounts through Paul’s letters (Ephesians, Philippians, Romans…)!

Alright slight rampage….but it just gets me excited!

Check your inbox.

You make everything

Just got back from a mini ski/snowboard vacation at boyne with 16 friends.
It was truly amazing. I am one of those people who experiences God through nature, maybe it’s the runner in me, but wow. There’s something about being on top of a mountain and knowing that the Creator of that mountain also created you…and then knowing the Creator intimately…mind blowing. Being on the top of a mountain, gazing out onto landscapes of more mountains, snow laden trees, the open waters under Mackinac bridge, all with the sun relentlessly trying to pierce through the clouds. God is so HUGE, then a tiny snowflake can land on my goggles, so intricately designed, each flake on the mountain and in the air, different from the next, and He designed each one! This atmosphere changes your heart when songs like you make everything glorious, who am I, hosanna, glory of it all, and so many other songs that bring praise to such a king… it brings His greatness to a new level.

it was also a great 'retreat' to get away from the grind. i love working with student, i love giving council to friends, i love technology (instant communication), i love it all...most of the time. i feel like i was completely recharged by God. Filled up to the brim and ready to overflow!! I LOVE IT!

i think i fell in love with God again. i'm embarassed to say that sometimes when i read the psalms they all run together for me. if i'm not FOCUSING then after a few they all start to sound the same....but this weekend psalm 63 just ran through my mind over and over and over. to thirst for God, to long for Him. to know in our heart that His love is BETTER THAN LIFE!

what a God!!

relationships...necessary? or a necessary evil?

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2

Hmm. Maybe it’s where I’m at personally right now but this hits a nerve for me. Have you ever felt that you’re carrying another’s burdens but maybe they’re not helping carry yours?
I like to think that I’m someone who has a lot of grace for others and their actions toward me (haha maybe I’m in denial…or full of spiritual pride YIKES) so I’ll try to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations…you know they’re busy or had a bad day or whatever and I need to carry their burdens for a while…….but sometimes their benefits run out, and I end up feeling taken advantage of, or become resentful.

It’s not always that I want someone to carry my burdens, but to have enough time to share in my triumphs with me! I think my frustrations are in peoples ability to be genuine. Sometimes it seems that people are only listening to you talk so they can then talk about themselves.

Plowmen have plowed my back
And made their furrows long
Psalm 129:3

I feel like I’m getting furrows in my back right now. I know God is my strength, my listening ear, who rejoices with me in my victories and reminds me it’s because of my faithfulness…and also cries with me in my defeats and assures me He’s right there and has a greater dream for me. He’s the one carrying ALL burdens. I have to trust God has me in this position in so many of my relationships right now to shape me for my future. Doors are opening and I’m OVERWHELMED with excitement and anticipation but through conversations I’m realizing that these opportunities come with downsides, and an ugly part of the job is social loneliness.

where do i line up

Are you above me or below me? Older or younger? Better looking? More financially stable? More intelligent? Better dressing? More experienced?
Everyday we ask ourselves these questions, often subconsciously. It’s like we have a continual filter running, and we run each person we come in contact with through this filter. Comparing them, seeing how they ‘line up’ next to us. I think even the people with the healthiest relationship with God end up doing this. We compare our relationships, we compare our physical bodies, we compare our possessions, EVERYTHING.
I think the comparision game can lead to 2 outcomes, neither positive. Pride or jealousy.

Pride. If you’re ‘higher’ than the other person that automatically makes you better.
Jealousy. If you’re ‘lower’ you want to be ‘higher’ and are therefore jealous of what this other person has.

If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load.
Galations 6:3-5

humility is for losers...

pride. It comes in many forms; I think the most common must be arrogant pride. A cocky attitude…you know the athlete showboating after a big win. There can be spiritual pride. Social pride, academic pride, vocational pride, you name it I think pride is a huge struggle for us.

I think that personally my lack of vulnerability is fueled by pride. I struggle sharing the intimacies of my life with people (clearly if I’m posting on a blog but refuse to tell anyone close to me about it) what am I hiding? Nothing, I think it’s more a fear of judgment. Is my pride holding up an image I want to project? I don’t know if I even have an image I’m trying to project…maybe I’m just a private person?? Or am I proud the way I’m perceived, or proud of the fact that people don’t think I have struggles?



p.s. humility is not for losers

stepping up

Today I had the opportunity to lead a discussion of about 13 women...(ok let me just add 13 women who could be my mom!!) in a Beth Moore study through the psalms of ascent. The youngest by a good 10 years I was not sure how the group would react to the change in leadership. God showed up and poured His blessing on the discussion. I often feel that I cannot articulate myself well, and I don’t know if the other women felt that, but their encouraging words and their astonishment that this insight was coming from a 20 year old was enough blessing for me. After the discussion we went in to watch the pre-recorded dvd that corresponds with the study, and I came to a wonderful realization…Beth articulates herself about as well as I do(hopefully God planted that idea in my brain, otherwise i'm just a jerk...). I think we both struggle with finding the right words because our excitement and love of God moves faster than our brains can form the words to express it! Hahaha maybe I’m totally off, but that’s how it is for me, and that’s how I feel when I’m listening to her.

what a night, i pray i can hold on to this joyful blessing.

a song of ascent

Psalm 130

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive

To my cry for mercy

3 If you, O Lord kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
Therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in His word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
More than watchmen wait for the morning,
More than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
For with the Lord is unfailing love
And with Him is full redemption

8 He himself will redeem Israel
From all their sins.


These words speak magnitudes to anyone who has lived a life drenched in sin, and has then come to find God. The fullness of God’s grace is overwhelming to me, but without constant reminder I can fall into valleys of guilt and shame. If we confess our sins God is faithful to forgive us, and forgive us fully. Verse 3 says that if God kept a record of our sins none of us could stand. If we’re standing, yet still feeling shame, who’s keeping a record? We are! We’re playing our record over and over again. God’s truth is higher than any human emotion.

The author of this psalm is awaiting God’s forgiveness with excitement and anticipation. H says he’s waiting like a watchmen is waiting for morning, if I were a watchmen and I was up all night I’d be so so ready for the sun to rise! The psalmist is ready and waiting for God’s forgiveness, he placed his hope in God’s wonderful grace and forgiveness! I know I’m the exact opposite; I go to God with my tail between my legs, head hung low, ashamed. We dig ourselves into a hole, we’ve done so much wrong that there’s nothing God can do about it anymore. that we won’t receive full blessing or full forgiveness, so our expectations of God are lowered.
This psalm convinces me more and more of what I know. That when we cry out from the depths of our valley, in full confession and repentance, God WILL show up, and the fullness of His grace and forgiveness will overwhelm us.

To be redeemed is to buy something back. God promises us FULL redemption…meaning we will be fully restored. When God fully forgives every sin we’ve committed. He can, and will, restore our identity, our ability, our purity, anything. What hits me the most about this is that God won’t get all the glory until we use the bad for good. He will diffuse our past of the hurt and harm that haunts us…but He will also infuse us with a power to help others. This may be what keeps so many of us from feeling the fullness of His forgiveness and redemption. That we stop too soon in the process, I know have stopped too soon, I’m still stuck here, but He’s working on me.

I can’t wait to continue to follow Him, and will rejoice in the day when the God of this universe turns my past agony into glory.

finding my place

Last night was so exciting, I felt like I was fulfilling my divine purpose.

I have been teaching//leading a small group of high school female athletes…well some are athletes. The opportunity was thrust upon me, and I was indifferent towards it but decided to give it a go. The past 3 weeks have been co-led by myself and another leader, which is fantastic, I love working together, combining ideas and experiences and hopefully getting Christ’s love through to students. However, last night I flew solo…and what I ride it was!!!

I was challenged, and God used this situation to show His mighty strength. After a week of preparing for a lesson on integrity (yes, I actually prepared for a week in advance, since I knew I’d be on my own…) Saturday night God clearly told me that was not what needed to be said. He clearly gave me a topic and when I woke up Sunday morning and started to search The Word and the scripture just jumped out at me! it was truly amazing how God orchestrated it.

I did not have time to practice or run through the lesson at all so the first time it came out of my mouth the girls would be hearing it. Thankfully, my voice was never heard! God took over, asked the questions that needed to be asked and the discussion was phenomenal!

I was so overwhelmed by God and His presence in the room….i felt so alive, like at that moment I was doing EXACTLY what He created me to be doing.

How awesome it is to live for such a wonderful God!

back to the future

I love where I’m at in life right now. I have a few great close friends who have hearts for God, a future full of opportunity, a family that supports me relentlessly, a sense of direction (somewhat?) no real struggles or pressures. However I find myself continually aching for the future, to know the future, to see what God will unfold in 5, 10 or 15 years. I think I just want to SEE/know what will be. I still want to live through it, but just to know, or be prepared …or something??

But it leads me to question…am I not content right now? am I not content with where God has me? am I seeking to be filled, looking to something else for fulfillment? Looking to the future, with hopes that it will 'fill' me more than my present? Do I not trust that God has amazing plans to use me, and to glorify Him? And if I did know what or who the future held, would try to alter it?? What good would it be to know?

In my heart I don’t want that to be true! And in my head I feel content, I feel peace, and I feel fulfilled. I guess I want to continually check my motives, continually reassess, because I want to be ALL of God and NONE of me. I don’t want an excitement for the future to be masking a void that I’m trying to fill with something other than God.

overflow

i'm reading and working through Acts right now. it's so exciting to see how the first Christians were so on fire for God, and how their faith was so fearless. while reading this verse stopped my dead in my tracts.....
'For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.'
Acts 4:20

How inspiring!! and a gut check in a sense. Peter and John were responding to threats of being thrown in prison and the high preists had agreed to not throw them in prision if they stopped spreading the word of Jesus.
what a wonderful feeling it would be to be SO filled, so overflowing with Christ in your heart that you can't stop speaking of His love. I pray i can live a life in which i cannot be help but speaking of Him.

give it up

Lent. In religious circles it’s a place where we give something up. Often giving something up has nothing to do with our relationship with God. I think it’s even thought of as a torturous thing, but it makes us really religious. I remember I would give up things like chocolate, pop, or other silly things that by giving them up made me no closer to God, I don’t even know if I connected God to the experience….it was like a fun challenge and something to talk about with friends, but it didn’t really matter if I kept it.
Hollywood has even touched on the subject, with movies like 40 days and 40 nights.
As I’ve grown on my walk with God I realize that lent, and the act of giving something up is so much more. yes, I believe it can an experience to learn how Jesus went without, but if we truly challenge ourselves and ‘give up’ something that is truly difficult for us, it’s a chance for God to work in our lives, to show how big and powerful He really is. If we ‘give up’ something that we really can’t do on our own, and we allow God to take over, I believe that’s when we can really really grow and experience Him, the great I AM.

talk

Prayer life, I’ll be the first to admit mine isn’t what it should be. Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in life that all we do is spend time in the word….. but are we praying on it, meditating, listening for God’s call. I was talking to a friend recently and her disgust with our prayer lives was conveyed to me in a awesome analogy that I’ll share….we have some close friends who we can talk to everyday and still never run out of things to say, and then one day you’ll be in the grocery store and see a friend you havn’t seen in years and they’ll ask what’s new with you, or what’s going on in your life, and you won’t have anything to say…that experience has happened to me countless times. The thing is, the person who we never run out of things to say to should be God. God wants everything, all of us, every tiny incident that we have everyday!! Not profound words, or eloquently written prayers…He wants our day to day lives.

Prayer is often referred to in a last resort kind of way…we say things like ‘well I guess all we can do it pray about it.’ why wouldn’t we want to pray about it? why isn’t that our first resort? That’s our private line straight to God, and it’s NEVER busy or unanswered.

I’ve been convicted of prayer recently and I am composing a list of things that I want to make conscious effort to pray for daily. Of course my relationship with God, my family, and friends but on a broader spectrum the students of our ministry at NRC, the students of the upcoming generation, that they would have a heart for God. the leaders of NRC and our nation, that God can be real in their lives, and move within them to make productive decisions. The list is a work in progress….but it will be a challenge.

i love me....

Love
Let’s just say it again…love. There is so much power behind that word, and so many possible implications. But I want to talk about a love that probably most people don’t think about because there is really no benefit for ME!

Is it possible to love selflessly? To continually pour out?

I have a few friends, whom I love dearly, but it’s all about them. I may jump into the ‘advice’ roll to freely, but it’s often never even an option for me to vent or excite about my own life.

How can we love without getting emotionally attached? how can we love so selflessly that we never want anything in return…not a thank you…no reciprocation…NOTHING?

This is hard for me, because I don’t mind giving of myself and my time for others when they need it. However, I feel resented if I’m not thanked or the offer isn’t returned. How can we not become resentful?

Can we ever truly love like 1 Corinthians 13:4?

reaction

We’ve all heard that saying, life is 10% what happens to you 90% how you react to it…or some variation of that saying.

My grandma has had health problems for a while, and has become extremely sick within the last month or so. This morning my mom left to take her to the hospital and I called off work to look after my 3 year old sister (after my grandfathers journey to heaven we realized hospitals full of mourning/anxious people are NOT places for rambunctious 3 year olds.) after she left the house, ella still sleeping, I had some time to myself to sit and analyze what was happening. I replayed the scenes over in my head, frantically vacillating back and forth over what to do, ‘do I call the doctor, do I call 911, do I just go take her to the hospital…’ Frantic concern, yet no productivity. She, self admittedly works horribly under those situations. I, on the other hand, am I ‘do-er’. Any action is better than no action, rambling is better than silence. I will put up a strong front until I am and then break down. There have been times, with my closest friends, that I’ve desperately wanted to cry with them, to share my sorrows, to express or release whatever…but couldn’t.

Are these different characteristics part of our divine wiring?? Or merely a result of our experiences?? Well I suppose our experiences would be part of the plan of God. I can confidently say that I think both types of people have strengths and weaknesses, neither better than the other, and the world needs both types to function. It’s easy to look at the one and say ‘basket case’ or the other and say ‘cold hearted’, but I wouldn’t want a basket case surgeon operating on me, nor a cold hearted counselor.

I suppose it’s time to stop thinking about my staring role in my own short story, and think about the supporting role in the eternal story.

was blind, but now i see

I just watched the movie Amazing Grace, about the abolition of slave trade in Great Britain in the late 1700’s. The main character William Wilberforce, a politician, goes through this phase where he’s completely captivated by God, and all of His amazing creations. He considers leaving politics all together to follow God and be completely consumed by Him.

His childhood preacher was a former salve ship captain and was actually the writer of the song Amazing Grace. Wilberforce goes to visit him and essentially the question is proposed why can’t he serve both God and his country through his political career…to make changes for God by using his political power. Essentially, though with great struggle this is what Wilberforce does.

This inspires me greatly, and should be inspirational to anyone who does their daily work outside of church walls. God’s work is done anywhere and everywhere. Every aspect of life needs individuals with hearts on fire for God.

LE

not sure how to say this, but
we're here, you and i
and life's passing us by
but see, here's the thing
you're not gonna leave unnoticed
and you're writing a story
with every breath that you breathe

so run, farther than
the oceans are wide
there's no reason to hide
'cause you're infinite
and grace has a glorious resound
no higher love can be found

not sure how to say this, but
your heart speaks the words
and your soul can be heard
in my melody
you're not gonna leave unnoticed
and i'm writing this song
'cause you carry me along

[i'm calling to you
and i know you can hear it
'cause we're the same
in name
and spirit]



this song was written my by best friend….inspired by our friendship. I’m not a poet, or writer in any sense, and I wondered how she could read me so well and put it into song form. She’s an artist to the core, a singer on the stage, a performer, a well known figure and I’m so incredibly proud of her. However, do NOT envy that spotlight, I love being the backstage support crew, the one who’ll give an honest opinion, the friend who comes to every show and stays till the end. I’m not gifted in that sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love attention, but I’m the comedian, not performer, nothing intimate. But she moves mountains, moves people through her words, her songs, she inspires anyone who meets her. honestly. I sometimes feel insignificant to her, not at all in a jealous way, but a way that I’m in awe of, a way that leaves me to question how I can be friends with someone so amazing, so unbelievable. I’ve never mentioned that to her, to anyone, she just sense it in my soul, that I worry I’ll leave this world without making the impact that I so desperately want to. she can feel the insecurity of my past in my soul, and reassures me I don’t need to hide.

God works through her and i pray He is always glorified through our friendship.

Sweet like candy to my soul

Why do we hide from God?? when our worlds are crumbling, we’re feeling sad, lonely, confused or even if things are going well….we don’t include Him. I don’t know if it’s a conscious thought that ‘I can do this on my own’ or we just get flustered or feel like there’s no time. I think for me I know that truth comes from God’s word, and I know that He will speak to me when I am actively in His word….but I guess I don’t trust that I can just open it up and be spoken to. I think I need to LOOK for the answers, to seek out the right passages so I control how I’m being spoken to, I control what I’m reading…..

Over the past few months I’ve been more and more convicted that the reason God has brought certain people into my life is so that we can keep one another accountable. Not like a daily questionnaire ‘did you spend time with God…how long? How many chapters yadda yadda…” but as we’re doing life together our flames will burn brighter at different times, and our passion for God will spill out depending on our circumstances. We sharpen one another without realizing it, without it being intentional. I think this is one of the first times in my life that I’ve been convicted that I NEED to do life with other people. I need other people, because they can provide for me something I can’t and God can’t provide for me in some ways without them being there.

Relationships can be hard, but it bears amazing fruits.

listen

Being still, stationary, without an agenda, without plans, without ‘somewhere to be’ , without obligations/commitments/ when your mind stops running, the pace of life has slowed down….almost to a halt. Most would consider this a gift, a vacation, to be in solitude for a while, to escape and disappear. Admittedly, I have fallen into the category of rejoicing over a few free moments now and then. However, I am coming out of one of the busiest seasons of my life to a season where I feel I have too much time. No school, no work, no major commitments, every second is not scheduled in…the relief of this new day to day freedom has worn off. I am boooored…and sometimes lonely. I find great opportunities to grow with God, but I am also wide open, and actually susceptible to spiritual warfare. I’ve been hit, hard, and often.
The Word tells of so many great spiritual leaders who needed to be in solitude, to be alone in a desert to be molded and shaped so God could use them. I cannot imagine that 40 years for Moses, or 40 days for Jesus would have been easy. Or even Jonah in the whale, Paul in prison…I could go on. And scripture so often says ‘be still’

‘The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.’ – Exodus 14:14
‘Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…”- Psalm 37:7
‘Be still, and know that I am God…”-Psalm 46:10

I’m sure there’s more…but why is it so hard for us? To be still, to stop, to listen. Our culture is fast paced, and that can be beneficial, but as believers why is it almost torture to slow down, to be still?? Even when we’re spending time with God, worshiping, or reading, or praying…we’re not being STILL!

I struggle with this ‘gift’ of time…I’m at a point of thinking it may be a curse (half kidding…)

Roads

Scars on my body, trophies, pictures, notes, t-shirts, songs… all of have significant memories of my journey of life…every mile in the vicinity of PCEP can bring me back to summer mornings when I was flying, with the wind at my back and sweat pouring down, to fall afternoons with tears from a broken heart pouring down my face…running for more than just a time or a distance…I was running away from memories, running away from life. Dirt roads of memories, rejoicing, crying out to my Savior. He found me. Rolling hills that evoke bursts of speed and shouts of joy to my perfect Creator who has filled me to the brim with His never ending grace. Roads that have stopped my watch and brought me down to my knees in front of my God, out of breath, confused, hopeless, directionless, but confident that I was valued by The One and Only. All memories take a trip down one road or another, and even good memories can be painful to travel back to. No one wants to live in the past, and sometimes even living in our present state is difficult….Is it always good to look to the future? If we’ve changed drastically, is it good to blot out our past? To ignore or repress old memories or can we still learn from them?? an unexpected trip down memory lane today brought me to tears…okay that’s an understatement, when I finally was alone I was bawling. I don’t know the person I see when I reflect back, yes our appearances may be similar, but our hearts share no common ground. Scars often run deep, but sometimes the fond memories can run deeper.

When creating this blog I titled it ‘break my heart for what breaks Yours’ as a cry out to God….give me peace following your will, it was intended as a glance towards the future, or even the present. But my God’s heart was broken in my past, and so is mine.